What if.....

Oh those dreaded what ifs in life. Those thoughts that turn your thoughts upside down and all around. The thoughts that make you question every choice you have ever made.

Please humor me, I need a place to get rid of these what ifs.

What if the insemination does not work? Will I ever have another baby? Will I be letting my family down? Will I have a breakdown, can I just try again next month? Will the outcome be any different?

The insemination worked! What if I start to bleed like the time before? What if my HCG levels are low and keep dropping? What if they don't and I get to stay happy, elated, over the moon.

Levels are high, hope. Relief. Levels drop, levels rise. A roller coaster ride. I know at the point I need love and support, much like a text I have sent before I need just say something small and the support is overwhelming. What if I did not have the friends I do? What if I did not live where I live and have neighbors are friends who save me when I am drowning.

What if the doctor gives me the weekend to let my body have a miscarriage on it's own? In the past my body knows what to do. Still I go in on Monday and my body let me down, I have to get two shots that help to move the miscarriage along. What if the shot makes me sick/sad/overwhelmed? It does, but I get through. Of course I do because I have so much love around me, even if just my little home. What if I did not have Deacon, the what if that is too much.

What if the cramping I feel 5 days later is not normal? How much cramping is too much? I call the Doctor on call (Saturday) and he informs me that going dizzy, feeling hot and the pain spreading means it is too much. Go the ER at that point he says.

What if my prayer was not heard and answered? "Go to the ER, this will not get better at home"
What if I did not have friends I had a feeling to have Curtis call, I knew they would be home and take Deacon, all day if needed. It was needed and they did.

I am amazed by the human capacity to love, to help. I am humbled and grateful to the nurse who stroked my hair and hugged me while I sobbed after learning I needed emergency surgery. I am so very thankful to the competent doctor who reassured me it was the only choice and wanted to keep me safe, comfortable and really, alive. What if Curtis was not there to bless me and help me remember Heavenly Father loves me and is with me always.

The feelings I had after I woke from my surgery one fallopian tube short surprised me. Where is the doctor? I want to thank him. Does the nurse know I love her just by speaking to me in a calm, kind voice as she woke me form surgery?

Utah is such a incredibly beautiful place, it was comforting to wake up under 4 warm blankets and look out to an amazing blanket of snow. Where is Curtis? Was he scared and nervous for the hour I was put out? What if I did not have my husband who is the calm to my nervous?

What if I lived in a time where there was no loratab, morphine or Valium? No trained doctors to take care of me?

How wonderful to come home to a loving notes, treats and a clean house (my brother the house elf) What if he were not here to give me another blessing and say these words to me:

"Be overcome with joy for your husband and child. Heavenly Father is so pleased with how you are to Deacon. Take each day one at a time"

So while there are plenty of scary what ifs in my head, I am letting the ones I wrote here go. There will be lots of other what ifs in my life but like I was reminded today, take each day one at a time, let the what ifs I can, go.

What if at the end of the day I was not able to kiss Deacons soft face and have him reach to me, his mom, for a hug? So thankful as I lay in bed not able to sleep that I am here, still, even though I have three incisions in my stomach and one less fallopian tube I am blessed beyond measure. If chosen, I can focus on those what ifs that saved my life, and that is my choice.