The business of getting a baby

Wishing I had all the right words to say, I wish I could properly express all the different emotions I feel. I keep writing and rewriting this post, realizing it is not as easy as it seems it should be.

This little family of mine is about to get bigger. We are having a baby in December. Can you believe it? I don't think I have stopped pinching myself since I saw the tiny word pregnant on the test 11 weeks ago.  To say we are thrilled would not even do it justice. Deacon asked me the other day "is the baby having so much fun in your belly? when I was a baby I had soooo much fun in your belly" he is going to be the best brother.

It probably seems strange that it is so hard to share such happy, happy news. The thing is, I know the pain and the heartbreak all too well of losing babies and not getting the babies you desire. I want to always be careful in my choice of words, my attitude towards pregnancy and in expressing my compassion to those who wait for the thing they desire so deeply.

There is also the fear that I have to daily put in check. I try to whisper calm, positive pregnancy thoughts to my belly everyday, telling this baby how happy I am they are in there.

I have been so blessed. Beyond words really. I believe so strongly in the power of prayer. I believe in the power of modern medicine. And most of all I believe in the power of listening to the still small voice that has helped me know when to rely on which of the two.

We are so happy.

Sooooo Complimentary

I am loving five year old Deacon. No surprise he is constantly saying hilarious things but what I love most right now is his compliments. They always make me smile and usually laugh, here are a few little gems:

The other day I asked Deacon if he wanted to take a rest and watch a Arthur he replied "Yes! Oh Mom you are a genius!" love it.

On mothers day he casually said to me "Mothers are called darlings." I loved this one, made me so happy.

He loves to comment on my hair, if it is in a ponytail he usually says "ooh I like your hair like that"

In preschool they learned a lot about manners, he is constantly saying thank you so sincerely for food I make or things I do for him.

Having Deacon be so sweet and complimentary definitely makes my job as a mom a very happy one.

A few cute/clever things he has said lately:

Tonight we went to dinner and the table had a candle on it he said "A candle? Oh no this is a date place!"

We dropped Curt off at the airport and two seconds after we drove away Deacon said "oh I sure miss my daddy!"

I asked Deacon what he wanted to get his teacher Miss Dana for a thank you gift, he was dead set on getting her soap, sweet smelling soap. I thought that was so cute and funny.

Lately he asks me if I want a surprise, when I say yes he gives me a big kiss or hug. The best surprise there is.

Love love love Deacon.

FIVE.

I can hardly believe it. Five whole years old. Five years ago today I was watching a Jazz playoff game at a friends house, I had made the spiciest salsa and had joked it was going to put me into labor.

The next morning when I went to the doctor I declared I could not be pregnant one more day, I went into labor just hours later. I remember thinking it was really important that I take a shower and do my hair before going to the hospital, HA! If only I knew how much pain I was about to be in I would have ran to the hospital.

 Once I had my epidural I watched movies and ate popsicles while waiting to push, uncle Buck to be specific. Little did I know how much my life was about to change. When they put my baby on my chest I could not even explain if I tried the love I felt, I have been feeling it every day ever since.

I am so happy to have shared the past five years with the sweetest little boy. Happy Birthday to my very favorite person in the whole wide world. I love you Deacon!

A love eight relationship

Here it is, the anniversary post. No matter how behind I get on this blog I do not like to miss a chance to shout to the world how much I love Curtis, for reals.

Here is my top eight things I love about the Laysh:

8. his dimples and blue eyes.

7. his smarts, he always knows the answers to my questions and jeopardy? Forget about it.

6. the sense of humor of this man CAN NOT BE BEAT.

5. boy does he take me on some sweet trips, he may text me after spending two dollars at 7-eleven but I really can't complain when I am averaging two Hawaii trips a year.

4. he sticks up for me and loves me. At the end of the day I am his number one.

3. when I am sad he wants to fix whatever is making me feel that way, while it does not always work I appreciate his effort.

2. he loves loves loves Deacon. Reads him chapter books, takes him to Holiday Oil with a quarter to buy a airhead and tells him he loves him 10 times a day.

1. he lets me be me, encourages me to do things I love and wants me to have a fun, happy life.

Happy anniversary Curtis, I am shocked and thrilled you did not do anything WEIRD to your face! I love you so much.

She is taking too long

Listen, I do not know when this blog became all about my struggles. Swear it, I used to be fun, I think I still am! Hopefully if you know me in real life (if you don't know me who are you?? tell me please!) you still think I am kinda fun? Yes?

Today I was leaving a pretty important doctors appointment with Deacon and my mom from the back seat Deacon sighed and said "Mom, we are never going to get a baby" I said, "You don't think so?" he then replied "she is taking too long." Woof. What a punch in the gut, it is taking a long time, I just thought I was the only one who noticed.

Growing up with siblings is all I ever imagined and all I knew, what fun is childhood if you get everything you desire and have no one to fight with? Just kidding, I know there is lots of advantages to being a only child, probably lots of really smart people can tell me all the pros instead of the cons I have in my head. I know that Deacon is having a happy life, we do have a happy life, full full full of fun, adventures, love and life. BUT. where would I be without these people: bossy big sister, house elf brother, annoying little sister and scrawny younger brother?
That is my childhood.

I can hope that Deacon one day will have: much wanted and desired younger brother or sister.

My personal struggle with conceiving has brought me a deeper understanding and love for those who struggle and not just in the same way I am. It has also brought me a genuine love and happiness for those who get what they are after. Truly. I am a different girl than I was two years ago.

I am happy to be that different girl, and I am not mad, sometimes sad but I know that I am not forgotten, I have said that before but so often I am reminded that I am so loved.

AND now that you made it through this post you get a good story as a reward! My work used to be a food bank of some sort so every once in awhile someone wanders in looking for it. The other day a man dressed like a woman came in, I kindly directed them to the new location. After he walked out the door Deacon said "Why is that boy like a grill?" Oh baby! SO glad that was after he left. HA!

I spelled my name ya know.

Deacon is just full of information. Each time he tells me something he starts or ends with "ya know" like tonight in the bathtub he said "mom, I spelled my name ya know, D-E-A-C-O-N" Or when he was fresh out of the bath in his transformer jammies (Thank you Katie! Thank you Jaren!) and he said "I am awesome ya know" I wonder when we outgrow our amazing self esteem?

Gosh I hope Deacon never does, cause ya know, he is awesome.

Resolutions worth keeping

I have never been one for resolutions buuuuuuut this year I really wanted to make and keep some resolutions. For the month of January I have been killing it. Here are my resolutions:

1. Watch 3 full seasons of Parks and rec. via my mothers free netflix account (holla!) (also I think the character Ron Swanson was written with my Uncle Dave in mind, awesome) CHECK!

2. Take a hour each afternoon to snuggle and watch some Disney movie with Deacon. CHECK!

3. Go on a cruise with a bestie and dance too much, eat too much and get too little sleep. CHECK!

4. Try some new restaurants including the Copper Onion once and for all. CHECK!

5. Bake something Delicious every weekend. CHECK!

6. Stay up too late every night. CHECK!

7. Get my hair done by my favorite hairdresser in earth, pay way too much money. CHECK!

8. Visit with my Grandma and spend time with people I have missed. CHECK!

9. Listen to a lot of shizzy gangsta rap and crappy pop on Spotify during the worst hours of the day (3-5 in the afternoon, holy those hours are the dark ages!) CHECK!

10. Insert some goal about doing what married people do to create life way too much (you sorry you read this post? I am sorry I had to write it but you guys, this is my life!) CHECK!

My friends these are some lofty goals, I accomplished them all! Feel free to send me blue ribbons flowers and trophies, but no baked goods because good lord! I ate enough crap this month! Cheers to a February that is the exact opposite of January, well not totally different but hopefully I can find it in my heart to eat a few more vegtables and sleep a little more oh and I will never stop snuggling to Disney movies.