My Heart

Was broken.
Is mending.
Has never been so full.
Grew this week in ways I never understood before.
Is bursting for gratitude for all the people in my life who love me.

Every sweet word written to me on this blog made me cry and feel so loved. A kind word goes a long way towards healing.

Try as I may I can never properly express my thanks to everyone who did such thoughtful things for me this week. Meals, cards, flowers, gifts visits, calls and texts.

I love you all. I will spend the rest of my life trying to serve the way I was served. I am a blessed girl.

One special thank you to my sweet mom xoxo.
So happy it is Thanksgiving.


p.s. putting your Christmas tree up a little early will help a sad heart. Heaven help me if anything like this ever happens in June.

What if.....

Oh those dreaded what ifs in life. Those thoughts that turn your thoughts upside down and all around. The thoughts that make you question every choice you have ever made.

Please humor me, I need a place to get rid of these what ifs.

What if the insemination does not work? Will I ever have another baby? Will I be letting my family down? Will I have a breakdown, can I just try again next month? Will the outcome be any different?

The insemination worked! What if I start to bleed like the time before? What if my HCG levels are low and keep dropping? What if they don't and I get to stay happy, elated, over the moon.

Levels are high, hope. Relief. Levels drop, levels rise. A roller coaster ride. I know at the point I need love and support, much like a text I have sent before I need just say something small and the support is overwhelming. What if I did not have the friends I do? What if I did not live where I live and have neighbors are friends who save me when I am drowning.

What if the doctor gives me the weekend to let my body have a miscarriage on it's own? In the past my body knows what to do. Still I go in on Monday and my body let me down, I have to get two shots that help to move the miscarriage along. What if the shot makes me sick/sad/overwhelmed? It does, but I get through. Of course I do because I have so much love around me, even if just my little home. What if I did not have Deacon, the what if that is too much.

What if the cramping I feel 5 days later is not normal? How much cramping is too much? I call the Doctor on call (Saturday) and he informs me that going dizzy, feeling hot and the pain spreading means it is too much. Go the ER at that point he says.

What if my prayer was not heard and answered? "Go to the ER, this will not get better at home"
What if I did not have friends I had a feeling to have Curtis call, I knew they would be home and take Deacon, all day if needed. It was needed and they did.

I am amazed by the human capacity to love, to help. I am humbled and grateful to the nurse who stroked my hair and hugged me while I sobbed after learning I needed emergency surgery. I am so very thankful to the competent doctor who reassured me it was the only choice and wanted to keep me safe, comfortable and really, alive. What if Curtis was not there to bless me and help me remember Heavenly Father loves me and is with me always.

The feelings I had after I woke from my surgery one fallopian tube short surprised me. Where is the doctor? I want to thank him. Does the nurse know I love her just by speaking to me in a calm, kind voice as she woke me form surgery?

Utah is such a incredibly beautiful place, it was comforting to wake up under 4 warm blankets and look out to an amazing blanket of snow. Where is Curtis? Was he scared and nervous for the hour I was put out? What if I did not have my husband who is the calm to my nervous?

What if I lived in a time where there was no loratab, morphine or Valium? No trained doctors to take care of me?

How wonderful to come home to a loving notes, treats and a clean house (my brother the house elf) What if he were not here to give me another blessing and say these words to me:

"Be overcome with joy for your husband and child. Heavenly Father is so pleased with how you are to Deacon. Take each day one at a time"

So while there are plenty of scary what ifs in my head, I am letting the ones I wrote here go. There will be lots of other what ifs in my life but like I was reminded today, take each day one at a time, let the what ifs I can, go.

What if at the end of the day I was not able to kiss Deacons soft face and have him reach to me, his mom, for a hug? So thankful as I lay in bed not able to sleep that I am here, still, even though I have three incisions in my stomach and one less fallopian tube I am blessed beyond measure. If chosen, I can focus on those what ifs that saved my life, and that is my choice.

Nothings missing

I love this picture, it looks like everything being a kid should be.

Today while reading Deacon a story he was leaned up against me, he paused and looked up at me and said "I love ya". I realized in that moment that to Deacon I was everything.

There have been weeks and even months in the last year and a half that I have felt the longing for something I did not have, like something was missing. As much as I would love to have another baby, for Deacon to have a sibling, more than that I do not want to spend my days longing. One thing I know and that brings me so much happiness is that I am loved. I am cared for and my prayers are heard.

The simple I love ya was a simple reminder of how lucky I am to have this little boy to pour all my love and affection on, and that when I do it is returned 10 fold. Now that is something, not nothing.

What I am loving about Fall

Delicious smells. Beautiful fall leaves, I love living so close to the mountains this time of the year. Creamy pumpkin hand soap from Bath and Body works. Metallic gold and bronze spray painted pumpkins. Soups and breads. Crisp air. Perfect temps for outdoor runs and walks. Warm drinks. Deacon wearing his costume every minute of the day (and night!). Silver Lake. Snuggling at night with a movie and warm blankets. The mountain breeze through the kitchen window. College football, NOT! Getting ready for the Holidays. Baking, which reminds me, time for butterscotch crescent rolls! Oatmeal in the morning. School has started for Deacon. Having a candle lit all the time making my house smell perfecto. Oh baby, I love me some fall.

I say hell too often.

This four year old little boy picks up on everything, so it is no surprise that I have heard him say "what the hell?!" more than one time. My personal favorite is when he casually asks me "what is the not naughty word mom?" to which I respond "heck" and then Deacon replies "oh not hell?"
Oh boy.

Let me tell you about all the absolutely adorable things he says in addition to his profanities.

In his primary program a few weeks ago his teacher started to help him say his line, he quickly said "I don't need help!" and then said his part.

I love in the morning when he comes in our room and sings me the good morning song "good morning! good morning! how'd ya get so big!"

I love having Van and Will over on Wednesday afternoons, on one of those afternoons we went on a walk. Will was worn out and did not want to walk anymore so Deacon said "I am Optimus Prime! Grab my hand Will and I will help you!" Also on that walk when Deacon was fed up with Will he kept saying "William Steven Bickmore! Stop it!"

We had a blast visiting my Dad Dana and Abby in Baton Rouge, just yesterday Deacon asked me if we could "please please please go to Grandpa Steve's and have him take me to the park! please!"

We talked about stranger danger the other night so now Deacon knows to yell "that is not my mom, that is not my dad!" if he is ever in a stranger situation. We also taught him a family password in case someone tells him that they are supposed to pick him up or whatever. We told him the password is secret to only mom dad and Deacon. The next morning at breakfast with a bunch of people he proudly said "guess what! Our family password is (blank!)" Ha!

I could go on and on about this boy. I sure do love him.

Boy oh blog

I have been the worst blogger ever. Truly, the worst. Which makes me sad because I really do like keeping a blog especially to keep track of all the funny things Deacon is up to. I have certainly been in a funk this last year but I am realizing that I can not change everything I do not like but I can try my best to be happy in the situation I am in, I have so much to be happy about.

How about some funny/cute things Deacon is doing?

His new favorite thing to say when he is bored or annoyed or whatever is: "But I am skinny" or "I can't I'm too skinny!"

So so so obsessed with Spiderman. He is forming his little hand to shoot webs before he even opens his eyes in the morning.

Deacon is really lovey at night when I tuck him in. He says things like "should I snuggle you?" Or when I try to leave he quickly says " But how about just one more kiss?" And my personal favorite when I say I love you he replies " I love you most"

I love when I ask him a non negotiable question like "ready to brush your teeth?" he responds with a simple "no fanks"

After his second week of swimming lessons he is really comfortable in the pool, he loves to say " I am such a great swimmer"

We called my Dad on his birthday last week and Deacon sang to him, hours later when Curtis came home from work he said "Know what day it is Dad!? It's Grandpa Steve's Batman birthday!!"

At a friends house for dinner I was told Deacon was outside peeing. When I got out there to tell Deacon he needs to come inside when he needs to go potty he smiled proudly and said "no mom! I already did!"

His concept of time is hilarious, " I want to play three more months" or "Let's go in 10 weeks"

The other night my young women were over playing water games in my front yard, we had two slip n slides set up and the neighbors cat was playing on one so we told Deacon to go scare it off. He ran and scared it off and then shouted "Yay! I won the team!"

Deacon could play for hours in the backyard with or without a friend, it is his favorite place to be.

I said to Deacon the other day " I love......." thinking he would fill in the blank with Deacon but instead he shouted "William!" He loves his cousin Will.

One night when Will was over late we were putting some of Deacons jammies on him and Deacon said "Your looking goooooood William!"

Writing all these things down makes me mad at myself that I have not written these things, I think they will be so priceless to me in the future. No more feeling down for this girl! Even if I do not ever have another baby or have any of the other things or experiences I want, I have so much. I have a husband and Deacon that I love more than anything and I have I know I am doing my best. That is enough, I have more than enough.

A boy his dad and a baseball glove

When I got home from young womens the other night Deacon yelled to me from his room "Mom! Come see my new baseball glove!" I walked into his room to see Curtis lying in his bed next to him while he proudly had his (waaaaaay too big but still the smallest size) baseball glove on his little four year old hand. He was so pleased with himself and so enamored by his Dad.

This made me fall a little more in love with both the boy and his Dad. This is the beauty of being a parent is not the baseball glove that the Dad bought but it is the Dad lying next to his son talking shop about baseball and using his glove for his upcoming tee-ball league. It is the Dad taking the little boy to the store for a part for the air conditioning and coming out with a baseball glove. It is the Dad who we had to call the next morning at work to ask him if he knew where the beloved glove was, only to find that he had slid it under the boys mattress to help the glove wear in. This same Dad slid the baseball glove under the mattress again tonight and I am sure this Dad will cheer his boy on in many baseball games over the years.

I love sharing a life with this little family we created. The baseball glove was a simple reminder of how sweet my life is. Happy Fathers day to the Dad and husband we love to the ends of the earth.